I never thought I would venture into the blogging realm, but because of the circumstances of our lives, we have arrived here. We want to have a platform to communicate with our loved ones as we navigate through this storm we are presently going through. Thank you for being a part of this journey we are embarking on.
This past Friday, July 10th, Artie and I went in for our routine mid-pregnancy ultrasound for our second child due in early December. We were joyfully anticipating seeing our little baby on that screen and eventually finding out the gender. We have done much traveling this summer and found one day we could squeeze in this appointment. For the past few weeks I have been feeling those little kicks and I couldn't wait to see what was going on inside of me.
We were not 30 seconds into the scan, when the ultrasound technician told us something was very wrong and she needed to go get the doctor. There was a heartbeat, but something was not measuring right with our baby's head. Our worst fears were realized when the doctor told us,
"Your baby will not be compatible with life outside the womb. I am so sorry."
And with those words, our world turned upside down. Everything we have been dreaming of since we found out in March we were pregnant again: planning for life with two children in the home, Adele getting to be a big sister, holding and snuggling a newborn, navigating through the early challenges of nursing, and much much more. We were sent upstairs to meet with another doctor, a genetic counselor and have a more detailed ultrasound, which confirmed the diagnosis.
Anencephaly. A neural tube defect. In those early days of pregnancy before I even knew we were, our precious baby's skull and brain did not properly form. We also found out we have a son. We cried tears of joy and great sadness when she told us. Our sweet baby boy. Kicking, squirming, and putting his little hand to his mouth. A strong heartbeat. He can live and thrive in my body and he has a chance to make it to full term. But how do you prepare to both meet and say goodbye to your child?
These past few days have been, by far, the hardest days of my life. Grief, sorrow, and uncertainty with what lies ahead for our little family. In these days while the news is still "sinking in", I have found comfort in these words:
"But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you out by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.'" Isaiah 43:1-3
and these as well...
"Have you not known? Have you not heard?
He gives power to the faint,
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
A major trial has come our way. When I look at the road ahead of us, I don't know how we are going to get through this and I weep at the thought of what's to come. We do not know the outcome, but we know that our God will be with us, give us what we need, and not let this consume us.
In the coming days and weeks, we will try our best to keep you, family and dear friends, updated on this precious little boy, who is already loved so deeply by his Mommy and Daddy.
