Ultrasound Report

We had an ultrasound today. Our appointment was at the Women's Institute in Midtown where we were sent back in July after receiving Arthur's diagnosis. Last time we pulled up, we were filled with anticipation and discussing when we would reveal the gender to ourselves and to our families. Last time we were here we were in shock, trying to comprehend the phrase "not compatible with life outside the womb". Last time we left with deep sorrow, our minds spinning about what the future might hold for this little one and our family. This morning before I got out of bed, I laid there for a while as I felt him move around, thankful I had another day with him. Today, unless something happened on the way to our appointment, I was going to see him alive on that screen. Today, we prayed for peace. Today, we had no expectations. 

We have met with a pastor at our church and he described very accurately the circumstance we have been in since that first appointment: with Arthur, we are at a crossroad. A crossroad of healing or heaven. We are standing here, waiting for direction. There is no indication of when we will know. With each appointment, we face the possibility of his home-going to heaven, or his healing on this earth. It is what has made this season so hard - the waiting. We know it will be one of these roads, we just don't know which one or when.

For our appointment today, we weren't feeling anxious. We just felt like we were waiting on instructions from the Lord; either more waiting, or one of these paths. We were led to the ultrasound room, looking forward to seeing our little guy no matter what happened. As the ultrasound tech probed my swollen belly, she confirmed a heartbeat. She showed us his hands and feet, his arms and belly and legs. He was being a little shy and tucked away, but it was good to see the evidence of life inside of me and some of the features of his body. His feet are tucked together and facing down. His heels are right up against my bladder (if you have seen me get up 2-3 times during the church service, it's his fault). His head is up, closest to my heart. Oh, how good it was to see him. What a sweet boy he is, just like his sister. As the ultrasound tech left to talk with the doctor, she told Adele that she should give lessons to some of the adults that come into the room to observe ultrasounds. She told us she was one of the most well-behaved people she's had in a room.

Arthur's feet curled up together, maybe he has those big Neale feet?

Not a great shot, but his hand is propped under his chin. Another shot showed his hands crossed and curled up like his feet, probably getting all cozy for a nap.

We met briefly with the doctor, who told us, "No news is good news." They were primarily looking for extra fluid, which is a common issue with anencephaly babies, and can cause preterm labor. There seemed to be no issues for us at this moment. And while I was relieved that we had no complications, it wasn't the good news I was hoping for. The prayers and pleadings for healing have not been answered. So we are still at the crossroad. 

Waiting is hard. But this is where the Lord has us. I'm thankful the Bible speaks even to waiting - there is a purpose and hope in our waiting. We are grateful we are here waiting with Arthur, and grateful for another day with our sweet son. 

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope." Psalm 130:5

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

"The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him." Lamentations 3:25

"But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me." Micah 7:7

Thank you all who have prayed for us and for these appointments. We have felt strengthened and uplifted by you all. As you continue to pray, pray for us as we are waiting. We don't know when we will walk down either of these paths. Ask the Lord to give us patience to wait well. To enjoy what we have today. To not worry about tomorrow. For Arthur's healing, one way or another. 

On a walk in the neighborhood with my babies